By Joe Vigil

The Farmer indoor curling team, which had been noted for its surprisingly swift rise to prominence and Olympic domination, suffered a blow yesterday when the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced that the gold medals the team earned for France during February’s Olympic Games in Sochi, Russia are to be revoked.

The committee stated in a press release that the Farmer team that had ascended to a world class level of skill in January would not be allowed to keep their medals, and France would be banned from the event until the 2030 winter games because one of the team’s Olympic documents had been filled out improperly. According to the committee, the word “Russia” was misspelled on the team captain’s medical release form.

Indoor curling, which traces its roots to the Scottish sport of ice curling that is most popular in Canada, has been a worldwide sensation since it was invented in a tenement hall in Newark, New Jersey in early January. The sport, which, like ice curling, involves directing a roller hockey puck to a target by pushing rubber ducks out of its path with a broom, gained popularity at a feverish pace, and by Jan. 18, the International Indoor Curling Association (IICA) reported that official games had been played in 206 countries and on the moon.

Though not the first school to adopt an indoor curling team, Wheat Ridge French teacher Jenny Zichterman noted that her team popularized the sport in the mountain west region. “We were the first team in Colorado to have an indoor curling team, and I think our success inspired a lot of people,” said Zichterman. Her curling team, which she assembled from a ragtag group of misfit French 3 and 4 students, was established on Jan. 8 and trounced the top ranked team in Illinois the next day.

“We trained for 24 hours straight leading up to the match against the Chicago Black Sox,” said Zichterman. “Over the course of that practice I saw those rascal kids transform into world-class athletes.”

The Farmers garnered international attention after they defeated the top ranked professional adult teams in the United States and Canada on Jan. 23 and 24, respectively, and swept the competition in its first year at the Winter X-Games. The IOC announced that they would be adding indoor curling to their schedule as part of their attempt to make the winter games more appealing to a younger audience on Jan. 27, and, after a mad scramble for the Farmers’ services, the team announced that it would represent France. “I thought it would be a great opportunity for my students to learn about French culture and kick some ass,” said Zichterman. When asked why she chose to spurn the United States, Zichterman said she felt the “French connection in her class was stronger than the American one.”

The Farmers won the gold medal at Sochi with characteristic ease and defeated Russia in the gold medal game by a record 96 points. The team was not warmly received when it returned to the U.S., but in the month since the Olympics built a significant fan base in the Rocky Mountain Region.

The Farmers were getting ready to appear at a charity auction for Rocky Mountain Cancer Assistance when they heard the news. Zichterman was livid and immediately cancelled the team’s appearance. When questioned, Zichterman stated that she had “triple-checked” the spelling on Russia and that Russian President Vladimir Putin would “pay for his meddling.”

Sources close to the team say that Zichterman’s threat of vengeance is very real and that, while the team had not been trained in special operations as of press time, the team could potentially “give the CIA a run for its money.”