The Haystack

The student news site of Wheat Ridge High School

The student news site of Wheat Ridge High School

The Haystack

The student news site of Wheat Ridge High School

The Haystack

Alcohol: Get back on the Wagon of Success and Drown Your Miseries

Photo Courtesy of healthysauce.com
Photo Courtesy of healthysauce.com

By Vanessa Sims

It’s the nectar of the gods; the drink of a warrior; the modern-day Slurpee…its alcohol, and this succulent beverage leads you on life’s greatest journey…straight to Alcoholics Anonymous, the greatest place in town.

Alcohol comes in many forms and many flavors. Some are strong and some are fruity. No matter what kind it is, the more you drink, the better the hangover and everyone loves a nice, pounding, hangover on their Saturdays! It even leads to that one, AMAZING addiction, and that gives true meaning in life when there is none.

Scientists have proven that when people obtain this special addiction, their whole life falls into place. Many alcoholics claim their lives have never been better! “Your busy work time turns into nothing but free-time and late-night bar fights. Even now, my life has been filled with astounding opportunities!” said drinker Al C. Hall.

Photo Courtesy of healthysauce.com
Photo Courtesy of healthysauce.com

After many reports of DUIs and horrible accidents, more and more people want in on the action, claiming that life just sucks without a hospital visit here and there.

Former alcoholics, like Mr. J.L Kerry, state that “the only thing this substance does is ruin your life…at least that’s what I thought. Now I see our younger generation and how much fun they are having, what a waste sobriety was!”

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CNN writes, “Alcohol poisoning kills 6 people a day.”

“Wow, what a relief,” says alcoholic John Doe, “could be worse. It could be seven!”  This horrible poisoning causes symptoms such as: confusion, vomiting, irregular breathing, seizures, blue-tinged or pale skin, and unconsciousness with the possibility of never waking up, and even low body temperature. Although these symptoms are said to be dangerous and even life-threatening, many others say the experience is wonderful, they love their new skin, and even runway models are strutting the confusion and frequent black-outs!

After word of these symptoms got out, many liquor stores were expected to close down. But with an unsuspected twist, sales actually began to rise. Health expert Dr. Albert E. Stein says, “I truly do not understand what all the fuss is about. Many of my clients are being hospitalized as we speak but are clearly less depressed than they were before their addictions. Obviously, there have been signs of good change.”

After this statement, many therapists are actually prescribing different alcoholic beverages. Although many A.A. members protest this new method, more patients have found great improvements in their health.

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