By Landon Stokes

On Saturday, January 2nd, Ammon Bundy and over a dozen armed followers stormed the empty Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in Oregon.

Their intent was to force the federal government to release Dwight and Steven Hammond, who were convicted of arson and sentenced for five years for starting a controlled burn which spread to public land, from prison and have their land returned to them, along with public land returned to private ranchers in the area.

The United States government has a history of taking land without the owner’s permission (see any U.S. history textbook), and that’s exactly what happened to the Hammonds, who were in jail and, therefore, could not defend their land from federal agents, and there is definitely reason to be upset there. In response, the militants orchestrated the heroic siege and occupation of an empty, unlocked federal wildlife refuge in hopes of mounting an armed stand against the tyrannical government and return public land to the clutches of the bourgeoisie.

What actually ended up happening is way better than anyone could’ve hoped. Not only did the men claim that there were upwards of 150 people occupying the 12-building complex to exaggerate their numbers, the militants armed themselves to the teeth, hoping to ignite a firefight with local authorities. But no such battle has yet to occur. In fact, the authorities have been very content with giving the militants the cold shoulder by cutting power to the facility, and nearby residents feel similarly, dubbing them “yeehawdists.”

Despite lack of acknowledgement and supplies, the militants’ spirit seems to be undaunted. It seems they intend to stay for as long as they need to, posting videos online asking locals to send them supplies and to help in any way possible, apparently expecting the same government they’re looking to overthrow to deliver their mail on time. Not to worry, however, the militants got their mail. In a stunt I could not have orchestrated better myself, boxes of sex toys, mainly of the phallic variety, arrived at the doorstep of the would-be revolutionaries.

Seems the very residents the militants claim to be fighting for, don’t care much for their loyal protectors, giving them names such as “Vanilla ISIS” and my personal favorite, “Y’all Qaeda.” Not only that, but the group has been mocked on live television and shunned by local authorities. What we have here is a classic case of bloated righteous indignation.

Revolution doesn’t happen without support, and it looks like the yeehawdists’ dream of storming the beaches of Maryland and valiantly defeating the oppressive government to the sound of thundering artillery and Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins will have to wait. But fret not, concerned citizen, the day will come where we, the people, will wrest our land from the clutches of big government and return it to its rightful owners. Us of course. Not those Natives.