By Joe Vigil and Hannah Larson

Aries:  March 21—April 19

You’re different than most and you have certain quirks, but during Christmas your guidance will be needed. Situations will become foggy, and you may need to shine your light to lead the way. You will save the day and the misfits in your path, you’ll do what you can with what you have and become the hero. But don’t let that get to your head, after all you; don’t want to exclude anyone from “reindeer games.”

Taurus:  April 20—May 20

You hear in Who-Ville a story told of a mystery this break, yet to unfold. You will start to hate Christmas as much as a Grinch, but something will happen; you’ll be in a pinch. You’ll scoff at jolly mall Santas and Christmas decorations, even tiny pastries made from sweet confections. You will soon stumble upon a Christmas surprise, something delicate that’s been in front of your eyes.  A Christmas spark in your heart will begin to rise. Christmas will be saved; you will be in great cheer, so have a great one and a happy new year.

Gemini:  May 21—June 20

This year for you has been the embodiment of Murphy’s Law: anything that can go wrong has gone wrong. Your car has broken down on the highway, your significant other has been seeing someone else the entire year and is more or less certain the two of you have never met, your teachers have failed you in every class despite the fact that you can prove you’ve gotten an A on every assignment, your newspaper is reviled by senators and parents alike for stories that have been read fewer times than an AP Econ textbook, and your best friend dropped out when the year began but was able to convince you that you just kept missing each other at lunch until you figured it out a week ago. Chin up though. The New Year is just around the corner. And if your bad luck continues, you’ll have a chance to make it right on Groundhog Day. The New Year is just around the corner. And if your bad luck continues, you’ll have a chance to make it right on Groundhog Day. The New Year is just around the corner. And if your bad luck continues, you’ll have a chance to make it right on Groundhog Day.

Cancer:  June 21—July 22

‘Twas the night before Christmas; all your worries are gone, all of your classes had no homework except for one. The assignment slipped your mind for the entire break, so you go to look at the class website for curiosity’s sake. An over-break project that could be life or death; you stop and you need to catch your breath. You look through your things to see what notes you can find when you realize that all this time you’ve been blind. You did this big project a week ago; now you can go out and play in the snow.

Leo:  July 23—August 22

You’ve purchased Starbucks so much that caffeine is starting to show up strongly in your bloodstream. From mochas to lattes and even frappuccinos, you’ve tried them all and your addiction has been getting worse. Everyone will notice your change in mood and wonder what’s wrong. You will assure them that you’re fine but with all of these delicious holiday drinks coming out, it may be hard to resist temptations. Try to replace these “guilty pleasures” with something like Jamba Juice; it will work well for you.

Virgo:  August 23—September 22

It’s that time of year again, and already you are hearing Christmas songs on the radio and people constantly asking you to donate money. Bah Humbug! Isn’t it enough to grace the world with your presence? This year will be different for you though. You will be reminded of the joys that Christmas brought you years ago. You will regain a feeling of warmth, comfort, and joy that comes with the holidays. Who knows, you might even find that long lost Christmas love.

Libra:  September 23—October 22

You may find yourself in LA over break trying to reconcile with an estranged lover. However, things will take a strange turn when a plethora of German terrorists invade the building you’re in and take everyone inside hostage. You will manage to slip away, but you’ll have to fight your way out to save your squeeze and prevent the terrorists from stealing the building’s vault money. You won’t be able to save all the hostages, and you will have to murder quite a few German goons, but in the end, you—America—will get the girl and stop the terrorism. Don’t look now, but you just might find yourself in several similar situations in the upcoming years, with each setting being bigger than the last and each terrorist being some sort of different European caricature.

Scorpio:  October 23—November 21

Be very wary of carts filled with oranges, because the next time you stop to take a look, you might just get shot up by a rival family, leaving you hospital bound indefinitely. Rest easy though. Your estranged son Michael will return to take care of your family and your rivals while you recover. This is a far cry from Christmastime 45’ when the Japs bombed Pearl Harbor and you found out that Michael was abandoning the family for the army. On your birthday no less!

Sagittarius:  November 22—December 21

The only thing that you will want for Christmas is a Red Ryder BB Gun. Despite your best efforts, everyone’s response to you when you tell them that’s what you want is the same as your mother’s: you’ll shoot your eye out. The department store Santa, your fourth grade teacher, everyone. It will be a rocky road leading up to Christmas. Not only will you keep getting denied but you’ll have to get your mouth washed out with soap for cursing in front of your father and you will finally snap and beat up your elementary school bully. All of your tribulations will be validated on Christmas morning when you do get your BB gun and you do not, in fact, shoot your eye out—you’ll come close though. After it’s all over you’ll be left pondering to yourself why you waited until high school to tie up all of your loose ends from being a nine year old.

Capricorn:  December 22—January 19

Unfortunately, your bad semester won’t end when the bell rings at 10:45 on Thursday.Your family is going to go out of town for Christmas but forget to take you, leaving you home by yourself. That will be fun for you at first, but when two intruders try and break into your house, you will have to improvise ways of keeping them out using only what you have with you. These crazy contraptions will work, and once the intruders have been subdued you will be reunited with your family. Along the way you just might learn the true meaning of Christmas.

Aquarius:  January 20—February 18

All you ever do is forgive your neighbors’ home loans, run your business ethically and provide for your family through the business handed to you by your father, but when your senile uncle loses a couple thousand dollars, the crusty old banker that has been after your business for years will appear to have finally won. You may find yourself wishing that you’d never been born, but be careful because an angel just might grant you that wish. While you look at the world as it exists sans-you, you’ll realize that your life has had value after all and when the angel returns you to your own reality you’ll be filled with the Christmas spirit. And all those town members who you helped over the years will come together to help you pay your debt to the banker. And your war hero brother just might call you the richest man in town. Zuzu’s petals, he’s right!

Pisces : February 19—March 20

Everyone around you will get into the spirit of the holidays, but you might be stuck in a rut. You can’t seem to shake that something is missing for you. You’ll try to join in on the festivities and fun, but you will soon find that they won’t work. Not even your loyal beagle will help. You may need some time to stop being a block-head and figure out that the only person in your way of happiness could be you. So, let your Christmas cure be a skimpy Christmas tree.