By Jack Stringer

In what appears to be a truly groundbreaking epiphany, high school senior Colin Mulligan, recently confirmed that, “Yeah, I guess this is really as good as it is going to get for me.”

At a press conference held earlier this week, while nonchalantly leaning against the “senior hand wall” at Wheat Ridge High School, watching and judging his fellow classmates as they file past, Mulligan told reporters that due to his above-par athleticism, as well as general popularity throughout the school, he doesn’t really see his life getting any better. After a somewhat illustrious career as a high school athlete, Mulligan sees himself finding a nice reliable job right out of high school, and maybe hanging around his old school as “like an assistant coach or something.”

As he embarks on his final baseball season in high school, Mulligan holds “carpe diem” as his motto. “I might as well enjoy it while it lasts,” remarked Mulligan as he adjusted his sunglasses to the rear of his head. He went on to say that he plans to really go all out on the diamond this year, and thinks that an all-conference selection will raise the absolute pinnacle of his life to even greater heights. While he noted that he is looking forward to the freedom that comes with graduating high school, he has also embraced that not only his social life will drastically go downhill saying, “from here on out, I plan on gaining some weight, maybe picking up smoking, and of course drinking beer whenever I can to cope with the hopelessness of living out the rest of my life, knowing that it will only get worse.”

Mulligan went on to inform reporters that he considered trying to become some sort of gym teacher, but upon discovering that career required a formal education beyond high school, his aspirations were soon dashed. Sources have confirmed that he has a position lined up at his dad’s business and will likely accept the offer.