By Joe Vigil

At a press conference yesterday, medicinal marijuana dispensary and recreational store Hindu Kush announced that they plan on opening two new locations in the men’s and women’s bathrooms in the annex of Wheat Ridge High School.

“It has been a hotspot for marijuana for years,” said Hindu Kush owner Jerry Donnivinski. “We thought we would come in to legitimize the business.”

The news has already spread to the halls of Wheat Ridge, and students have “never been happier,” according to a source. “That has been my favorite bathroom to smoke in for years, and now that you can get pot in the bathroom itself, I might never leave!” said a student who spoke anonymously but insisted that we use the fake name “The Grasshopper.”

Teachers in the annex were at first hesitant to accept the store into their halls, but when Donnivinski informed them that they would only be providing marijuana to students that have medical clearance and that teachers over the age of 21 would be the only people allowed to purchase marijuana recreationally, opinions swiftly changed. “That has been my favorite bathroom to smoke in for years, and now that you can get pot in the bathroom itself, I might never leave!” said a teacher who spoke anonymously but insisted that we use the fake name “My Name is Not Lance Austin.”

In response to Hindu Kush’s bold move, dispensary and recreational store Sweet Leaf bought out the DECA store in the cafeteria to try to feed off of the other store’s popularity. “It’s perfect Game Theory,” said AP Economics teacher Arik Heim as he observed the line for Hindu Kush that stretched around the annex and then up the stairs to the cafeteria. “In perfect competition, if a store opens up in an area with no close geographic competition, the best location for new competitors to choose is right next to the first store.” After a short pause, he continued by saying, “It’s mutually beneficial.”

The business generated from the first two stores and the expectations for business from the third one are already catching the attention of other retailers. A source within the high school’s administration said that the school is already in talks with Jack in the Box, Taco Bell and Bubba Chinos about opening locations at most of the entrances to the annex.

While the presence of such retailers throughout the school could be potentially be harmful to academics, most at the high school are excited about the potential revenue the school could accumulate. “This could be the biggest moneymaker in school history when you consider the price of rent,” said Heim. “The opportunity cost is too vastly beneficial for the school not to do it.”