By Joe Vigil

There have been numerous accusations made against me in recent days.

Outlandish, deleterious, acrimonious and blatantly false accusations. First, let me say that I appreciate all of the loyal readers of and writers for The Haystack who have stood by me in this dark time. Your support has been the teat from which I have suckled the precious milk of life that has sustained me during this criminally tumultuous epoch. To you this appeal is not addressed.

No, it is addressed to the detractors, denigrators and the mutinous reporter that now accuse me of disparaging the good name of The Haystack and the noble ideals of journalism. Their claims are founded not only on hearsay and circumstantial evidence but do not themselves agree with the current accepted journalistic process.

I will first address how my own conversation with Desimone was misrepresented. When I approached him for an interview, he responded by saying, and I quote, “I’m not going to comment,” followed by, “Please leave me alone,” and finally, “Get the hell out of my office,” and promptly called security. I did not change his words to read, “No, this is a horrible idea.”

Instead, I changed his words to read, “The Farmer cricket team is the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked,” which was well within my rights. As editor-in-chief, I hold the power to completely make up a quote for anyone who tells me something off the record or who wishes not to be quoted, which is clearly stated in most commonly accepted journalism doctrines.

The next charge, made by former Haystack reporter Efren Acevedo, which has been added to the official list of charges is particularly egregious. In his languorously written and downright false article, the aforementioned claimed that I had previously beaten him up twice a week. When I read that I was insulted. I made a point to beat up that muckraker at least twice a day, every day, every week, every month, every weekend, every holiday AND on international Pancake Day. Perhaps I beat him so thoroughly that he forgot how to count. Whatever the cause, the yellow journalist should familiarize himself with the concept of zero, which is equivalent to the number of times that he will ever again have content published for any outlet or news source.

As I write this in my cell awaiting bail, I must make a plea to my readers, writers and former writer. To my readers, consider the fact that damaging a reputation by throwing lies on a headline is a cheap way to attain your worthy attention. To my writers, carry on the work of God and never let anyone tell you that you may not put that on the record. To Acevedo and his family, keep your doors locked if you know what’s good for you.

I do not feel I need to wipe everybody out, reader. Just my enemies.