The Haystack

The student news site of Wheat Ridge High School

The student news site of Wheat Ridge High School

The Haystack

The student news site of Wheat Ridge High School

The Haystack

By Corcoran O’Leary

Sources confirmed early Tuesday that The Almighty has started to doubt his abilities to run existence, and overall has less self-confidence.

Witnesses have painted pictures of a dejected God, un-groomed and completely indifferent to his former job as Chairman of Humanity. Some reports even go as far as saying God is doubting the creation of mankind, his second proudest achievement (after Koala Bears). Many humans anxiously await His return to form, feeling His absence lately in such events as the Patriots winning the Superbowl, the Selma snub, and a young-girl from Arkansas not receiving a pony for her 8th birthday. Saint Peter offers an explanation on some of the potential reasons for Gods recent despair, “Admissions into Heaven are lower than ever, and literally every Angel is complaining about the laggy Wi-fi. He’s also just really hard on Himself, and I guess he just always assumed humans would stop being such dicks one day, but His faith in that is visibly dwindling.” “He just needs some time,” stated Angel Whitney Houston, “He is no worse of a Creator than before, the stress has just really been getting to him lately. He really is a genius, He’ll get past this. Let’s hope to God he gets past this.” When reached for comment, God did not answer our prayers, however His publicist got back to us and assured God was “Completely fine” and “Is working with family and friends to get through this, uneven, but entirely manageable spot in his immortal life”. Many publications urge humans to stop praying for the next few weeks so God can clear his head and start fresh. “We owe him everything, the least we can do is give Him a break. He has had a lot to deal with lately,” Reverend Richard Rivermen asserts. Pope Francis offers advice on how to help God out of despondency, “He just needs our support for once, we are His children, but we need to mature and help the Old Man out get of this.”

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