The Haystack

The student news site of Wheat Ridge High School

The student news site of Wheat Ridge High School

The Haystack

The student news site of Wheat Ridge High School

The Haystack

Steroids: Totally Rad!

Steroids: Totally Rad!

By Nik Schnebly

Since the beginning of sports, athletes have wanted to get stronger and faster in hopes of becoming the very best.

Unfortunately for many, regular old training just isn’t enough to get the results  they need, and often these athletes turn to additives to supplement their training.

In Ancient Greece, athletes ate opiates and animal hearts; today some athletes can choose to take anabolic steroids. Steroids are synthetically created hormones, much like the male sex hormone testosterone, but not without the risk of that athlete being arrested, banned from their sport or contracting diseases like prostate cancer, HIV and AIDS if the steroids are being injected. In spite of these, this intrepid reporter believes that “roids” should be allowed in sports.

First off, one thing that is no doubt on your mind right now is “If steroids become legal that’s going to make an unfair advantage for those that take steroids!” Well, let me tell you, if steroids were legalized they would be the same as a chocolate protein shake available at your local GNC. Everyone would take them, from the your casual gym goer to the all-pro athlete.

My next argument for the legalization of steroids is purely from a spectator’s position. Steroids make sports awesome. Take baseball for example, to some who aren’t completely in love with the game, like myself, baseball can get pretty boring, and the viewing audience of 1994 would totally agree with me, as ticket sales had gone down 12% that year.. But then in 1998 two knights in shining armor came to save baseball from the grips of death. Sammy Sosa and Mark McGwire captivated audiences with their home run race to break the record for most home runs in a season. Then after McGwire had hit a record 70 home runs in a season, Barry Bonds stepped up to the plate (literally) and knocked 73 out of the park in one season and 762 over his career.  But wait! Those guys all took performance enhancing-drugs! Does that mean that steroids make sports awesome? Yes,yes it does.

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Some say that steroids are “Un-American” but some of the greatest  embodiments of  the American way have taken steroids; Arnold Schwarzenegger took steroids and was a seven time Mr. Olympia winner, Governor of California, and star of the greatest movie ever, Kindergarten Cop. Hulk Hogan juiced up and beat the baddest bad guys ever (Iron Sheik and Andre The Giant) his walkout song was even about being a real American! Even Sylvester Stallone, the star of the most American movie EVER Rocky 4, took steroids! So it’s totally not un-American; the only reason that steroids might be considered un-American is because the Russian weightlifting team were taking them before us yankees could get our hands on them.

It has been brought to my attention by my lameoid big brother, Joe Schnebly (a former sports editor) that “maybe steroids are illegal because of the awful things that they do to a human’s body,” and to that I say, “really?” I mean if the NFL really wanted to keep a football player safe and healthy they might want to start with how easily a player can tear his ACL and end his career. Or better yet the concussion epidemic that plagues the league. In week 12 Rams Quarterback Case Keenum bounced his head off the turf and clearly showed signs of a major concussion, but remained in the game, showing the NFL’s commitment to player health. Also people will still take steroids in spite of the fact that those same steroids can cause cancer, and develop breasts in men. Just like any other drug, people are still going to take them until they decide to stop. So you can sleep soundly knowing that the dude with the awesome muscles knows the price he shall pay for those sick delts.

When you look in depth at steroids, you learn that they are pretty great. They’ve proven to make sports 10x better and are contributors to the some of the greatest parts of American culture. So, make steroids legal sporting associations of the world, the deprived people of this planet deserve the highest quality of athlete science can create.

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