By Landon Stokes

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your determination and ambition will pay off soon, but be careful–there are those out there who do not value your vigor as much as others. This doesn’t mean you should adjust how you act, however, just the type of helmet you should wear as you try to fight everybody. Speaking of fighting, if you wanted to meet Gemini at the pit after school, that would be fine.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Others value your sense of security and patience, even to a fault. You will soon miss the bus and be late for school because you took too long to cross the street. Seriously bro, you’re on a time crunch; there’s no time to look both ways seven times. You look ridiculous. Also, try not to be so stubborn–you’ll hurt Scorpio’s feelings when they try to tell you what to do.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

The hardest decision you’ll have to make in the near future is deciding which personality to show new people you meet. And try to make sure they know which face to look at when they’re talking to you. When someone asks you where you want to go for lunch, make an attempt to actually reach a decision for once. Additionally, travel with a group whenever you can. Don’t let them catch you alone.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Intense emotion and impulsiveness are two-sided coins. While there is something to be said for having the ability to make and follow through with decisions on the spot, you’ll find that the choices you make will become more and more questionable. At first, the decision to spend your remaining $30 on soup because it was on sale seems harmless, but when you find yourself on the kitchen floor at 3 o’clock in the morning drinking SpaghettiOs straight from the can, you’ll understand the bitterness of hindsight.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Don’t be afraid to show your true colors, the world needs more leaders capable of analyzing situations and making beneficial judgements at a moment’s notice. However, the danger being headstrong and brave comes in the form of opposing parties, and there will be many who criticize you for how you act. Do not listen to them. If you want to jump into a cactus or install flaming hoops on your Slip ‘n’ Slide, do it. I dare you. You won’t.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Dear Virgo, your inquisitiveness and intuitiveness acts as both a blessing and a curse. Use your skills of drawing information from people and reflecting on past events to better yourself and the world around you, and be careful of giving in to the temptation to self-serve. Even a level 10 Charisma skill is a game of chance, and you may find yourself on the receiving end of a baseball bat because of it.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Your sense of justice and balance are of incredible value, and though you may not know it, others value it greatly. Some advice, though: tone it down sometimes, alright Batman? Self-interest is sometimes more important than the interests of others–and true justice, balance, and equality will not come without sacrifice. You either die a hero, or live long enough to see yourself become a villain.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

The ability to surmount all obstacles with unshakable focus is a trait not shared by many. Especially when you also pack the ability to reserve yourself until it’s time to strike. However, try not to take things so seriously. While it may seem unfortunate for you, everyone is entitled to their own opinion as well. Proving a point is not worth jail time. Chill out. Do more of that thing that Scorpions do where they look at you menacingly because they know they can seriously wreck your life, but they don’t actually do it.

Sagittarius (November 22  – December 21)

Like the Scorpio, you Sagittarians need to cool it just a tad. Focus your energy into one long-term goal as opposed to stretching yourself thin in eight different directions. Maybe find a Taurus, have them teach you how to not ever do anything productive and then complain when nothing gets done. They’ll also teach you the value of being irrationally stubborn until the bitter end, where you’ll die alone but at least you’ll have the last laugh.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Quit being so moody all the time, bro. It’s not even about anything that actually matters. Sometimes I drop my ice cream cone as I’m walking, but I don’t shrivel up and pretend I’m in a depressing music video. Also, you’re intelligent–we get that–but people don’t usually enjoy being told just how stupid they are compared to you. In fact, they like it about as much as you would getting hit by a car, which, coincidentally, is what you watch out for this month. Happy holidays!

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You guys are the spiritual embodiment of that creepy kid that sits in the back of the class and mumbles to himself while getting an A on every single homework assignment he turns in. How does it even happen? You’d think the fedora and trenchcoat that covers your My Little Pony shirt would be rather distracting, but you Aquarians still get everything done as long as you don’t fall into the temptation of laziness. Quit being weird.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

The whole “overly cautious and trustworthy to a fault” trait that you have makes you the most fun zodiac sign to mess with. Seriously, it never gets old. I won’t tell you to grow a backbone, but I would advise you to maybe learn from some of the more hot-headed signs. Shatter that Pisces stereotype, but be back in time for dinner. Don’t want mom to think you don’t like her cooking.