Breaking News: Vaping Carcinogens Make Ones Life Better

Lily Ives, Staff Writer

Carcinogens were previously thought to have been cancer-causing chemicals present in things like cigarettes, but recent studies have corrected this assumption.

It has been found that carcinogens can actually help encourage the growth of brain cells, thus improving intelligence, attractiveness, and especially social status.

The study done by Dr. Ronald McDoogle of Juul University proved that the carcinogens found in vapes are better at stimulating brain growth and improving one’s overall coolness than other sources, like dabbing and bottle-flipping.  

“This study was done over the past few years in hopes of obtaining a better understanding of this new fad,” said McDoogle when asked about the purpose of the study.

In short, people who vape have a higher IQ and are way cooler than the general population, finally proving the point that teens have been arguing for months.  

The different flavors of vape juice encourage brain growth in different areas of the brain to develop further. For example, the mango flavoring helps you to improve in math, and the creme brulee flavoring helps with your comprehension of biology.

Some of these flavors also help one to attract both sexes, meaning no matter what floats your boat, you’ll have a date.

Sophomore Leigh Kjelsrud informed us  that her vaping habit has helped gain the attraction of three different people.

“It’s amazing. I don’t even have to try to get a date anymore thanks to my vape” she said.

One of these chemicals is formaldehyde, which is a powerful chemical used in substances such as glues. This chemical, present in many e-cigarettes, has recently been proven to actually improve the quality of life by making one smarter and more appealing, rather than making you repulsive, as many opposed to vaping seem to believe.

This information has been joyously accepted by teenagers all around the world and has been used to further justify their vaping habits. The desire to vape amongst teens has grown exponentially since the news broke, according VCI (Vape Central Information).

Claire Wilson, a sophomore here at Wheat Ridge, stated, “Vaping has helped me with all my classes and I even take a hit before every test.” This practice has upped the students test average by 10% across all subjects.

Overall, vaping betters everyone’s lives and makes them exponentially cooler. The only way to top just vaping is to also bottleflip and dab.