By Cecily Hill

Alright, Farmers! Who is up for prom and down to get wild?

Now, don’t get too excited, we still have a few months until the big day. Having said that, I bet you’re all wondering what this year’s theme is, so let’s get to it!

Pull up your britches and get your best pair of chompers because this year’s theme is “Senior Geriatric Jitterbug”! Get your pals and gals together for a good old-fashioned time on May 10 from 12 p.m. to 4 p.m., with an after party from 4 p.m. to 4:30 p.m. in our one and only Wheat Ridge High School cafeteria.

The day’s events will occur as follows: prom-goers will arrive at the school at noon on May 10 and eat their desired choices of cuisine. They can then dance whenever they please. The dance will come to an end at 4 p.m. and a party will follow until 4:30 p.m., just in time to return home and go to bed. How convenient!

There will be a myriad of food choices, all of which are gentle on the digestive system. These choices include the following:

• Among the plentiful entrees is a variety of oatmeal, an exquisite quiche or a bowl of tuna fish salad.
• Sides include a choice of mashed potatoes, a pureed carrot and broccoli blend or a fruit cocktail.
• Desserts may be either a choice of a dark chocolate fiber bar, Werther’s Originals hard candies or a small order of assorted flavored Jell-O.
• Drinks include a selection of Ensure supplement drinks of all three flavors (vanilla, chocolate or strawberry), a cup of lukewarm chicken broth, prune juice or water.

As this is a formal dance, there are some dress codes that apply. Dresses or skirts are not to fall above the ankle. Otherwise this could lead to potentially scandalous behavior. No high heels exceeding two inches high are permitted, as this accentuates the buttocks, which can then lead to and scandalous behavior as well. This may also lead to unwanted injury such as falls or sprained ankles. The most important thing to consider is that diapers may absolutely not be visible through clothing, as this may also lead to scandalous behavior under rare circumstances… like extremely rare circumstances. It is better to be safe than sorry.

Walkers and canes must be protected with tennis balls unless, of course, you’re willing to pay for any scratches you put on our cafeteria floors. The school or caterers are not reliable for any mishaps pertaining to physical accidents, the overflow of bodily substances from either end of the body or any other problems that may occur. So basically, you’re responsible for bruises, excrement or other fluids and everything else.

So with that, Farmers, plan accordingly, and this year’s prom will make for some great memories!