By Hannah Larson and Joe Vigil
Capricorn: Your alarm will go off and you will get up. Your wife will still be in bed, not wanting you to go to work, but you are the only plumber in Wheat Ridge and every day is a challenge. You will pour yourself a cup of straight black joe, add some cream and sugar and maybe you will grab a piece of toast to top it all off. You will open up a bill and see that your wife paid for a goat and a salmon to be sent to a family in Uganda. Great, it’ll be another expense for you to pay for.
Virgo: You will start up your car but no matter how many times you try, it won’t start. You will feel like there is What a great morning this will be. You will call AAA and the guy will show up blasting Teen Lovers by the Virgins. Although he will have an interesting music selection, he will fix your car and get you on the road before no time. But before then you will notice that he takes your silver change in your cup holder. At least he won’t take your plunger turbo 4000.
Aries: On your way to work, you will notice that the roads are quite empty. So driving in the fast lane may be the way to go. Of course this won’t keep the guy behind you from riding the back of your car. He’ll seem pretty crazy I mean he will have a ram skull painted on the front of his truck. You might want to get over and let that guy get the ticket, you have work to do.
Leo: You will finally make it to your first appointment, and you may have a little time to spare. Your customer will be a rugged 95 year old woman with a lion tattooed on her neck and a nose piercing to top it off. She will swear that it’s never her who clogs the toilet and she even insists that it’s her deceased husband, but you know better than that. You will soon find the problem isn’t of the dirty variety but it will be a dead cat that flushed itself a week ago. This may prove hard to break the news to her, just be kind and patient, she may either take it well or bring out her brass knuckles.
Sagittarius: Despite the weak economy your job security is still pretty strong and it will simply make you feel confident enough to take a longer lunch than usual. You will decide to go to a restaurant you have never been before like Lord of the Fries, Mustard’s Last Stand, A Salt & Battery, or The Flying Centaur’s Taco Establishment. You will be feeling like tacos today, but despite the reviews it got on yelp, this place will make your stomach feel queasy, so you will utilize their restroom and hope that they will give you a call in about four to six days.
Taurus: Your Lunch will be enjoyable but you will have forgotten one tiny detail: your truck was left at a meter. You will arrive at your car and see a “Meter Maid” writing you a ticket. This will get your temper to raise like the rage of 1000 bulls and you will demand the man to quit writing the ticket. After all, you only took a two and a half hour lunch. Just like any real bull, this Meter matador will conquer this battle and force you to pay for your mistake.
Aquarius: Your rage about your parking ticket will return once you start driving again. It will inspire you to drive faster than you ever have before until you find that lousy meter maid on the road. Once you find him, you will ram into him from behind three times and then pull up next to him and push him off of I-70 at 80 mph. Unfortunately, he will fall off the famous 44th Avenue superfluous waterfall and die in a fiery explosion at the bottom. This will all happen right in front of the Wheat Ridge policemen’s ball, and you will end up being sentenced to 50 years in prison without bail. It will be totally worth it, though.
Cancer: As you carry out your prison sentence in South Beach, you will begin to notice glaring disparities between the lives of the prisoners and of prison officials. For example, during one of your random daily beatings you will notice that the administering prison guard has several gold teeth. The next week, after you finish your shower in the crumbling stalls that spew putrid, brown water, you will notice the warden’s solid gold office. You will not be the only one to notice these increasing disparities, and at lunch one day as you and your fellow prisoners finish off your two spoons full of paper thin chicken soup, the sweet smell of perfectly cooked king crab and lobster wafting from the guards’ lunch room will lead you to incite the largest prison riot in Florida state history.
Libra: After the riot subsides, you will be crowned the ring leader of the inmates for your rioting foresight and leadership and have final ruling in the prison trials of the surviving captured warden, prison guards and other officials. You will use an actual scale to measure the unjust offenses of the officials versus the prisoners’ well-being. On the left you will place several gold teeth, leftovers from the guards’ daily feasts, a portion of the warden’s solid gold office and a diamond-encrusted nightstick used on the prisoners during the daily beatings, while on the right you will place a typical inmate’s dinner: a single, small, moldy slice of rye bread. The prison cafeteria-turned-blood-soaked-courtroom will erupt with violently wild cheers of approval when you announce that the warden, prison guards and officials have all been sentenced to death. However, a federal SWAT team will come rushing in through the cafeteria roof at that moment, forcing you to flee through the sewer while the other inmates give their lives to protect their ring leader.
Pisces: Your slow, seemingly endless crawl through the Miami sewage system will finally come to an end at an enormous lake in the middle of nowhere. Miami itself will be nowhere in sight, so you figure to have travelled quite a long way to escape the heat. As you sit watching the sewage pour into the vast lake, you will be reminded that you are also covered in excrement. This will lead you to travel to a cleaner part of the lake and wash off. You will also manage to catch two fish, which you will first use as sponges and then clean and eat. Before you figure out what to do next, you will get clubbed from behind and fall unconscious.
Gemini: When you regain consciousness, you will realize that you have been tied up in a dark room. The door will swing open and out of the blinding light two identical Nicholas Cages will walk into the room, though they will claim to be called Charlie and Donald Kaufman. They will then get into an argument in which you will learn that they are quite panicked because they clubbed you but meant to club Susan Orlean and Meryl Streep instead (or maybe that’s the same person? You won’t be sure because they use the names interchangeably). Their argument will continue to heat up, and though you will want to see how this very strange scene plays out, by now you will have untied yourself and will take this opportunity to sneak out and steal the Cages’ (Kaufmans’?) truck.
Scorpio: Upon travelling back to society, you will find out that you were being held in Tallahassee, it will have been one month since your prison break and a full two years since you ran that meter maid off the road and you are now on the federal government’s most wanted list. However, your appearance will have been drastically altered, so you should not have much trouble slipping the authorities. You will wander across the country until you end up in the middle of an Arizona desert. You will park your car and then begin to stare blankly at a scorpion while you think about what to do with the rest of your life. Perhaps you will fix the toilet you ruined at that taco place a while back. As you begin to make plans to return to Colorado covertly, the scorpion will sting your foot. You will spend the rest of your life staring at the scorpion.
