By Heidy Ornelas and Malina Gallegos

Aquarius (January 21- February 19)-

You have an inventive mind and intend to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you, my friend, are an idiot. You are very aloof, unemotional and clever, something you have in common with the average Virgo. Maybe you guys should go bowling together and have a miserable time!
Aries (21 March – 20 April) – You are the next generation ram, go Toyota! It is in your blood to roam around and go all over the place because you are an adventurous person, but don’t go venturing off just anywhere. Then again, no one can convince you otherwise, you are quite stubborn. You know what they say a hard head gets you a soft behind. You are pretty arrogant and impulsive which everyone loves about you, because you make stupid decisions without thinking about it like us, normal teenagers. So if someone is planning on doing something stupid they just need to look for you.

Cancer (22 June – 22 July)-

You are very shellfish. You are emotional and moody. Boys: these traits will come in quite handy for when you are dating a girl because you have a lot in common right there. And girls: whoever you date is going to have a hard time handling your craziness. But whoever dates you is going to be stuck with you because you are a clingy, emotional, and moody type. Wow! Look at that! A full package and you know what they say a relationship is golden with a full package.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 20)-

You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chicken, or so we say in high school, but you will come to appreciate yourself when you are not having children at 16. The mystic astronomer from whom we get our Horoscopes is saying that Capricorns are perverts. You want my advice? Clear your search history! What’s this? Afraid of taking risks, but still pretty perverse? You’re either a morbid serial killer or just plain kinky like Christian Grey.

Gemini (22 May – 21 June)-

Some people come and go, just like your personality. You are a two-faced person just like a schizophrenic my friend, or maybe enemy. Depends on the next personality you are using. The thing is you can be the nicest person one day then be the meanest. But people enjoy when you are mean to them because then they need to kiss up to you, which you like, surprise, surprise. And when you are nice to them they do not understand what is wrong with you ‘because you are acting abnormal.

Leo (23 July – 22 August)-

You’re all about lion…You always have to be right. It is always your way or the highway, so people better get their keys to get on the highway because it is a long drive. You are also very energetic, always running around all over the place. It would be best if you joined track. It should be a required sport for Leo’s because you are all over the place. The lion is at the top of the kingdom, which you try to be, but we are not animals. We are people; take some time to process this valuable information.

Libra (23 September – 23 October)-

You are all about spectrums and balance. You are very laid back and love to sit on your butt all day long, something you have in common with half of American citizens. You also are very materialistic, so you waste most of your money on pointless possessions. If anyone wants to make plans with you to go somewhere, they should already be used to disappointment; you are very unreliable but no worries there, almost everything these days is a disappointment so you blend in quite well.

Pisces (February 20 – March 20)-

Sometimes you let reality pass by as you stare into the clouds. Wake up! You’re in math class! You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and you allow yourself to be swayed by peer pressure. Just think Mean Girls. You are one of the side bullies never standing up for yourself always repeating what you hear.

Sagittarius (November 23 – December 21)-

You’re optimistic and enthusiastic. Wow! The cup is half full, but you are not paying attention to the fact that the cup is cracked and the water is seeping. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. Do not fret, because this means you could hit it hard in Las Vegas, of course you’ll have to be older. Become the next Kim Kardashian; there is no talent needed for that either. My bets are in that she is a Sagittarius. Google it and if I am right, then pay me in bottle caps.

Scorpio (October 24 – November 22)-

Scorpio! You’re highly intelligent, but this intelligence comes at a price. You rarely notice social cues that would prevent you from facing those embarrassing moments you always seem to find yourself in. You’ve heard it said before that everyone has the one smart-alec friend, but if you can’t think of that one friend, it’s probably you, my dear Scorpio. Here is some quick advice: be alone, you know what they say a loners got be  alone, and  life is too short to hold onto grudges, so when so you see your longtime friend Betty Lou (Cancer), be quick to forgive her, and do not stamp her for the canary she is. Watch out for the stinger, because this Scorpio is a feisty fellow.

Taurus (21 April – 21 May)-

Your weakness is red capes, once you see them you go sprinting towards them. You’re pretty down to Earth, man, got that hippy thing going, smelling like BO and always outside getting burned like a crab. But the thing about you is you have no time for anything because you occupy all your time with being lazy. This is great for you because you are not running around like most people with fire under their bottom.

Virgo (August 24- September 22)-

You are the logical type of person and hate anything disorderly. Do not go to rock concerts. Check yourself for OCD. You are cold and unemotional and often sleep through parties. With this in mind, you’re not very fun at all, Mr. Party-pooper. Keep it up though– you’ll become our future’s politician.