Students across the country are organizing walkouts to protest the sharp increase in violent acts committed with legally obtained firearms at public schools and our government’s refusal to do anything to curb it

Different groups have organized a number of protests on different days, and many are planning to walk out on Friday April 20, the day the Columbine massacre was committed, as well as the one day a year people celebrate the release of the third best Rick James song, “Mary Jane.” A large portion of the celebration is devoted entirely to getting stoned as the proverbial “s—”, probably an allusion to the biblical form of execution involving rocks being thrown at an individual until their death. The noble Wheat Ridge student majority decided to take up this cause and marched for their rights on last Friday, thinking it was 4/20, but did not realize their beloved holiday, as well as the actual date of the protest, was still nearly a month away.

“We stand here today to march for… uhhhhh… I really feel like we were here to do something guys,” said a student who wished to remain anonymous. “We were angry about some stuff right?” Seeming confused by the question, the student then wandered away towards a 7/11, mumbling something along the lines of “really boutta smash a f—ing taquito right now.”

The student body, so outraged by the issues at hand and listening to the type of Reggae music only tolerable when one is inebriated, began to set things on fire. They began with small, rolled pieces of paper they confusingly referred to as “Joints,” likely to protest the aging systems of our government and its own achy and cracking joints, though in time they began to bust out what appeared to be glass vases with a stem filled with a skunky smelling smoke, likely to represent the lack of transparency our political leaders exude, trying to block out the ugly truth with smoke and mirrors.

After the group eventually grew tired of smacking joints and clearing vases, the students seemed to forget what and why they were protesting, and retreated to a nearby Del Taco to refuel on Mountain Dew and cheap recycled cow manure marketed as burritos. At the time of this release, junior Michael Hawk had reportedly become so disoriented in the parking lot of the establishment that he slipped in a puddle of expired nacho cheese leaking from the restaurant, leaving Mike Hawk, who is rather large, sticky and defeated.

The students truly have taken up a just and honorable cause, raising awareness for a serious issue affecting all of us. They came, they saw, they forgot, and went to get snacks.