The crappy situation of the bathrooms at Wheat Ridge High School has caused the students to boycott them, opting instead to “hold it” when possible and to go across the street to the Crown Hill Park bushes when not.

Some students, it appears, are even going as far as bringing in Porta-Potties to the school parking lot. When people turn to Porta-Potties over the indoor restrooms, you know there’s a problem.

The movement, referred to by the students as #uri-nation, has grown drastically ever since the return from Spring Break, and as far as we know all students are actively participating. This is reported to be the biggest student movement in the history of Wheat Ridge High School since the Del Taco walkout last Friday.

In response to the #uri-nation movement, the administration released an announcement stating that they have inadequate funds to repair all of the bathrooms, but that they are doing everything they can. Advocators of the boycott reported that they hoped that if they continued to protest that their cries could be heard by the county supervision, or “maybe even the state or federal government.”

Currently, hazmatted plumbers are attempting to make improvements to the bathrooms in the annex, but with little success. The bathrooms in the math hall, by the gyms, and by the music hall will remain in their deplorable conditions until next year’s funds come in.

The boycott organizer, senior Matthew Sewell, was reported to be saying, “The bathrooms suck, you suck, clean them.…” The boycotters’ dream is that the student bathrooms can be up to the same standards as the staff bathrooms.

And the staff bathrooms are nice. Reported to be on par with the Prefect bathrooms in Harry Potter, the staff bathrooms have a number of advantages and benefits that the student bathrooms are sadly lacking. Such perks include non-crappy (incidentally Charmaine) toilet paper (definitely a plus), sweet smelling candles, and even tropical coconut soap and olive oil shampoo (and conditioner) in the full-size bathtubs and showers.

While the boycott has not resulted in any “accidents” yet, school staff and administration are worried, as students have been getting more outspoken and even aggressive in their boycotting. Several threats of excreting on school property have been issued to the administration; several declared the bathrooms “nincompoop (none-can-poop) zones,” a few others claimed they had entitlement for the “right to pee free,” and countless others decried the fact that the solution must be “flushed out.” Others violently reported, “my dog would not even drink out of these toilets,” and boycott leader Sewell even added that “we literally cannot ride by the seat of our pants on this one because the seats of the toilet are completely unsuitable for any [hindquarters] to be riding on.”

The movement may be spreading to the community at large, sources say. According to John Loo, a senior citizen past his prime, Wheat Ridge students have begun boycotting bathrooms even outside of school — and people are joining them.

“The other day at Target I saw this kid getting dragged out of the store by security. I asked what they were doing and they said he had refused to use the bathrooms and had threatened to walk all the way to Walmart to [urinate] there.” Loo reported that he was “flabbergasted,” and upon examination of the Target bathrooms, decided to join forces with the students and spread the word. “What began as a drip has grown to a trickle, and will become a stream, and pretty soon, it will be a river!” said Loo.

As things are right now, it would appear that the boycott will not be stopping any time soon. With the citizens desperate for change, the school administration (and other establishments with public restrooms) desperate for money, and the boycotters just desperate in general, things are going down the drain — er, not going down the drain — here in Wheat Ridge, Colorado.