Dear Haystack Editor,

I wrote a few days ago to the principal complaining about another 14 of The Haystack’s articles. As usual, I was keeping my nightly vigil of the website in wait for more disputable information to be published, and found six articles with punctuation errors, five with poorly worded sentences, two that contained statements I didn’t agree with (I think they were in the Opinions section), ten that didn’t speak highly of GT (didn’t mention it at all, in fact), and one that–it pains me even to think about it–suggested that not everyone holds the GT program and all the students in it in high regard. In an agitated state, I immediately wrote Mr. Cooley an 11-page complaint–just five less than last week’s–describing everything wrong in the articles and providing detailed instructions of how to fix them. He told me that he appreciated my concerns, but I should really be presenting them to the editor of The Haystack, and gave me your contact information. Of course, that is what he did the last 16 times I mailed him a complaint, but I decided to actually write you this time–hence, this letter.

I would have sent along my document of your errors and my corrections from this recent edition of the newspaper, but decided that the offenses you and the other writers of The Haystack committed were simply too grievous this time to be atoned for by 11 pages-worth of edits. Such is the nature of any sort of blasphemy against Mama Lee. Although, in my mind, expiation for this heinous of a crime can only be achieved through intense physical suffering, I would see a shutdown of the paper as an acceptable compromise, and am glad that my and my fellow GT parents’ coordinated effort has brought this to completion.

I apologize for the inconvenience to you and the rest of The Haystack staff, but it was my duty as a loyal GT Mom to derail your evil attempts to poison the school with your intensely hateful bias against the GT program. I recognize that you and The Haystack as a whole were entirely motivated by iniquitous intentions, and know that the silencing of The Haystack was a just retribution for your offences. I sincerely hope this teaches you the error of your ways, and I look forward to hearing your submissive, apologetic response.

Yours truly,
Anonymous GT Mom