By Daniela Santos

“We mean it when we say ‘it [capstone] kills us,’” says senior Abigail Riggsby, who was last seen early March 17 leaving the hospital after visiting seniors Sierra Rebchook, Lauren Wilcoxon and Erika Porras, who have all suffered serious injuries from their year-long senior project called Capstone.

It has been accurately reported through the halls that on March 17, these Wheat Ridge High School seniors were sent to the hospital after not being able to handle the stress this assignment has caused them. Porras had strained eyes due to staring at the computer screen until 4 a.m. every day for the past two months while trying to complete her product. She is expected to have surgery in May.

Another victim of this dreadful assignment is Wilcoxon who, after being frustrated about whether to use Times New Roman or Georgia font for her presentation, is now currently in a coma. Her family is at her side and wants justice to be served in the form of the termination of Capstone.

The most controversial of the incidents is the story of Rebchook. Her English teacher mistakenly assumed that she has been cutting her wrist when it actuality, it was only due to the paper cuts from the numerous packets of papers.

Psychologists have studied what effects the project may have to other students. After multiple studies it can now be concluded that stressful projects cause an increase in accidental urination, paper cuts, dry eyes, headaches and—in extreme cases—loss of consciousness.

Parents are furious about these released discoveries. “If I was told this sooner, I would have avoided Capstone and instead signed my kid up for GED classes,” says the mother of Rebchook.

All upperclassmen English teachers refused to comment on the matter for fear of being chased by a ravenous mob of parents. There have been rumors they are currently in hiding.  Principal Griff Wirth on the other hand is not pleased with the dangers that this project has caused and has pulled off Capstone from being required. This is relieving for future seniors, for they have officially spared themselves from this unsafe obligation.