By Efren Acevedo

Recent studies show that students attending Wheat Ridge High School, specifically in the weight training classes, have been gaining muscle mass at a rapid rate.

After a brief survey 95 percent of students in weight training enjoy the benefits of being on “the juice.” “Being on the juice is probably one of the best things that you can do, I mean even though it causes for you to go bald and your testicles to shrink, it’s a great way to gain muscle mass” says Tree Trunk Tyrone.

The other five percent of students are students who aren’t really in weights because they like it but because they have to take it.

There are a variety of reasons that the students are on the juice. “Man the main reason I’m on the juice is because you hardly have to lift. All I do is stand in front of the mirror, take pictures of myself, and let the juice do the work,” says Dingle McKringleberry.

Being on ‘the juice’ has been proven to kill students within a year of consuming. There has been many ways of transferring ‘the juice’ into your body. Fifty percent of the students claim that they inject through their butt cheeks, 20 percent claim that they “shoot it up” and five percent actually drink the powder mix.

Being on “the juice” has caused for the average bench max to go from 95 pounds to 295 pounds in only two weeks. The students have been on ‘the juice’ for about six months, and since then only ten students have died. The WRHS weightlifting class seems to be going down the right path to success, like I always say, “If you ain’t first, you’re last.”