By Corcoran O”leary

New year, same old infamously promiscuous Easter Bunny.

By now, most of America is familiar with the reputation the Easter Bunny has garnered through past years following claims made by ex-lovers of his refusal to support or even acknowledge his alleged bunny children.

The most recent class-action lawsuit has been launched by the collective force of every bunny in the world, claiming that the Easter Bunny is the biological father of them all.
The bunnies lawyer, Peter Cottontail, released the statement, “These cuddly creatures deserve to be acknowledged by their father, and this Easter Bunny needs to stop dodging his responsibilities and face the consequences of his non-stop sexual adventures. These illegitimate bunnies want a voice to face this corporate behemoth. Mr. Bunny is not above the law and should stop acting as such.”

This controversy is just the newest scandal on the Easter Bunny’s recent string of bad publicity, including appearing visibly intoxicated at press conferences and a recent streak of homophobic tweets. The Easter Bunny’s publicist has so far released a statement urging these “ridiculous” claims to be dropped at once, and for these young bunnies to stop exploiting the celebrity of Mr. Bunny.

However, a former lover’s recent interview suggests differently, “East [Mr. Bunny] always made us female Bunnies feel special,” said an emotional Miffy, “little did I know he was hopping in and out of bed with every bunny he could find. The notion that he is the father of every bunny in the world is not far-fetched.”

This lawsuit and Mr. Bunny’s highly publicized fight with rapper Kanye West paints a picture of a dismal Easter. Bunny has stuck to his claims that “Yeezus completely ripped off my ‘92 mixtape Fists of Furry.” West, who is extremely angered at most things, offered his famous rebuttal of incoherent yelling a few days later.

The Easter Bunny is currently staying at long time friend Hugh Hefner’s Playboy mansion, reportedly binging on whiskey and viagra. Hefner, the only man with as many illegitimate children as the Easter Bunny said in an interview, “Mr. Bunny is just stressed. What he needs is time out of the spotlight so he can focus on Easter.”

While the current perception of the Easter Bunny remains largely positive world-wide, the Bunny in question may have to scramble this Easter, and if he is, in fact, the father of every bunny in the world, we shall anxiously await who will be named the next Hare to the Easter Throne.