2016 Holiday Horoscopes

Connor Gard, Copy Editor

By Connor Gard

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your independent nature will probably lead you into solitude this holiday season, locking yourself away into your room listening to My Chemical Romance albums on repeat. You should also expect your first Walkman as a gift this year, as an attempt by your family to get you out of the house.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your stubbornness just may be your downfall this season. When you walk past that poor Salvation Army collector without donating, you’ll be thrown on the naughty list, buddy. Get ready to stoke that fire with the coal you receive.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your cleverness and wit shall give you the edge this season. You can out-reason your parents on why they should get you that puppy you’ve always wanted. However, your wit hasn’t set you up for that kind of responsibility.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Your loyalty and dependability will give you a boost this season. The jolly old man himself has seen how you help out others and has decided to take you under his wing. In the span of a night you will become the head elf of his workshop. Enjoy your life in the frozen north!

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Your generosity will lead you to an odd place this season. While you were completely sure you donated to a group that helps families in need, you actually just gave some of your life savings to a huge crime ring aimed at destroying winter. Congratulations, you ruined Christmas.

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Your helpfulness and reliability have set you up for success this season. All of that donated time at the animal shelter has led you to understanding animals on a new level. You will be the Aquaman of mammals. Dogs and cats will bend to your will. You will now be the king of the animal kingdom.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

With your peaceful and diplomatic ways, you can expect a very fulfilling holiday season. You will find a way to, once and for all, establish world peace. While it may only be on the false hope that you promised everyone in the world can expect a white Christmas, it will hold for a while. Expect to have to go into hiding shortly after the holidays, though.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Your resourceful and manipulative ways will get you into a bit of a kerfuffle in this wonderful time of year. Your younger siblings will get a lot of cool gifts, while you are stuck with a new pair of golfing socks. You’ll find a way to trade into the gifts your siblings got, but at the cost of you being cursed with socks every year from then onward.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Your independence will lead you to an interesting spot this season. Your parents have decided that you are well off enough this year that you don’t need conventional gifts. Instead, they are helping you move into a new house, where you will have to fend for yourself from now on.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your responsibility will have you tend to your buddy Gemini this season. After they decided they couldn’t take care of that puppy, they managed to convince you to take care of it. However, it’s not a puppy anymore, it’s a full-blown mountain of fluff. Expect to be a bit busy in the near future with your new furry friend.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

With your wit and sarcasm, you will end up in a pretty poor spot this holiday season. You’ll tease your younger family members a few too many times at the annual gathering, and your parents have been brought to their edge. They’ll threaten to send you to military school, and you make a joke of it and them. Prepare for a shaved head and some mud in your boots, soldier.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Your compassionate nature will lead you to a great spot for the holidays. While you help your friend out with their charity work, you’ll run into a hooded man that looks as though he could use a little assistance. After you help out this man, you’ll learn it was actually President-elect Donald Trump. Your help leads him into giving you a small loan of a million dollars.