Cure for Senioritis Created; Appalled Students Hold Massive Protest


by Samuel Reich

Students protest the new cure to senioritis.

Samuel Reich, Staff Writer

After nearly 50 years of in-depth research, scientists have finally created the cure for senioritis, the notorious condition that besets many high school seniors: Odopidotobopolynomalin (also known as OPT).

A mouthful in more ways than one, this finally-perfected medicine has been proven to remove all the negative effects of senioritis, including decreased work ethic, low motivation, sleeping in class, ditching, and general detestation of studying in all forms.

“It is a breakthrough medicine that will forever change the quality of educational systems around the globe,” said Johann Schuschembloven, the 79-year-old director of the project. “Not only will it considerably improve the academic performance of our students, but we are prognosticating a huge decrease in anger issues and depression in upperclassman teachers and parents of seniors.”

The public’s initial doubts about the validity of Schuschembloven’s claims were at once dispersed when some of his test subjects (but not the ones who turned into geese) were interviewed. “The stuff really works,” said senior Trevor Sanders, one of Schuschembloven’s final test subjects who animatedly volunteered to be interviewed shortly after the new medicine was reported to the media. “I just feel so motivated about my education, and am super pumped to keep pressing ahead in school. I’ll be sorry for the day graduation arrives.”

Carla Andrews, another subject, echoed Sanders’ enthusiasm. “I used to be super depressed all the time, and never went to class or did my homework. Now that I take Odopidah–Odopidopodoh–Odopodopadoh–whatever it’s called, I’m happy, like, all the time, and just absolutely love everything about school.”

Teachers all around the country are wildly celebrating the birth of a new age of teaching. “I was completely dying,” said social studies teacher Stephanie Rossi, sporting bloodshot eyes, disheveled hair, and a worn, ragged, Farmer Pride outfit. “These kids just don’t do their homework. When I was studying for this career, I had no idea what a grip this horrible disease would have on students. Now that its cure has been created, I can finally enjoy teaching.”

Responses to the new medicine have not all been so enthusiastic, however. High schoolers around the nation have joined together in protesting against Schuschembloven and his new medicine, arguing that senioritis is a part of life that every high schooler has a right to. “This is the pinnacle of our academic careers,” said senior Jacqueline Pedlow of Wheat Ridge High School, an authoritative member of the national Pro-Ditch movement. “Forcibly removing what we’ve been waiting for since we started pre-school is grossly unfair. Senioritis is a right on the level of the First Amendment; remove this, and you can be sure that we will revolt.”

The demonstrations raging all of last week culminated yesterday in a national Ditch-Day, where crowds of high schoolers paraded down the streets of every city in the United States in protest of the planned abolishment of senioritis, chanting “Down with OPT” and waving “Right to Ditch” banners. Thousands of high school orators stepped up to the podium before their fellow students and on national radio and television, decrying the removal of their rights and demanding government action to be taken against Schuschembloven. Rappers incorporating some of the syllables of Odopidotobopolynomalin into their songs in support of the high school movement instantly hit the top charts. Authorities of the Pro-Ditch movement reported that at midnight last night, 23,791 high school groups all around the country snuck into their school cafeterias and burned Schuschembloven’s effigy, using stale cafeteria pizza as fuel and fanning the flames with their math textbooks.

“We’re not sure whether to encourage these kids as they’re finally stepping out into the real world, or to send in riot police to club them,” said Josh Cooley, Wheat Ridge High School’s principal, in an interview this morning. “Either way, the school does smell rotten from all that pizza the kids burned last night.”

Whether or not the nation’s high schoolers will be successful in their revolt against Schuschembloven’s cure to senioritis remains to be seen; but whatever may happen, it is undisputed that high school education will be changed forever.