Zoey Terry, Staff Writer

Aries (March 21- April 19)

Your dream is to be number one, the center of attention, and to rule the world. But you make life decisions like a 12-year-old, like whether to go to bed or play Fortnite. So you always end up right back at square one. Which makes sense because you were never actually, seriously, legitimately born. You just skipped gladly from your mother’s womb, and possibly fell on something on the way out, resulting in a bossy self-centered, reckless lunatic.


Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Your secret wish is to own the best of everything, to be the best at everything. And you could achieve that dream, you’re a supportive friend, very down-to-earth person, and the most organized out of all the signs. But let’s not get too excited because here’s the thing: you’re stubborn, and stubborn people never get the best of anything; you’re lazy and you already know where that leads you: nowhere. And you’re cheap. You can’t have anything when you’re cheap honey, you’re a bull, all you can really do is stab people and impale them and get mad when you see the color red.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)

On good days you’re fascinating, original, charming, wise and resourceful. But on bad days you’re restless, judgemental, two-faced, depressed, overwhelmed, anxious, uncommunicative, desperate, and somehow you always end up in a dark corner no matter where you are or what situation. However, you can and you will validate all of this by the time you’re done reading this sentence.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Forget you, no one needs cancer in their lives.


Leo (July 23-Aug 22)

Ah, look what we have here, it’s the drama queen of the century. The one that wants to rule the world and possibly destroy it all. Sorry to break it to you, sweety, but right now everyone is comparing you to Hillary Clinton. You both need to start keeping it real and stop the lion.


Virgo (Aug 23-Sep 22)

Virgo Virgo Virgo. Oh Virgo. Where do I begin? I’m starting to really think there is no end. You’re here you’re there, you’re pretty much almost everywhere. In the bathrooms in the classrooms, we’ve all had enough. You’re empty pods are on soccer fields, and some were even found in urinals. You look like a fool, so just quit doing it for the juul.


Libra (Sep 23- Oct 22)

Your secret wish is to love and to be loved in return. But come on, look at yourself, look at reality. You’re what? 15,16? 17,18? You ain’t finding love anywhere anytime soon and you know why? For one you still act like toddlers. Two, you eat too many authentic foods from cultures you didn’t even know existed, you have other people tie your expensive shoes, you constantly care about what people think, and if you really paid attention, maybe people would like you more. Find a different wish.


Scorpio ( Oct 23- Nov 21)

Your dream is to have complete and total control of everything and everyone around you. However, your plan for world domination will never work because it involves you behind the wheel. So since you can’t have that, most of the fake virus warnings or cash offers from Bill Gates are your attempts to stir something up. Ironically, Bill Gates is a scorpio too. But one thing’s for sure, you’ll never be married, but if you do, you’ll just end up locking your spouse under the bathroom sink.


Sagittarius   ( Nov 22 – Dec 21)      

You are the most adventurous one out of all the signs, the one that wants it all, the risk-taker. For example, when Disney channel asks you to go on their website with a parent’s permission, you go on, without your parents permission! You can swim without floaties, and you can even walk to the bathroom in the middle of the night when it’s pitch black without turning a light on. You are one intimidating person.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              


Capricorn ( Dec 22- Jan 19)

You are hardworking, reliable, and dull as hell. You want to be more exciting and outgoing, but you seem to have a boring life and you don’t know what to do about it because it looks like no one really likes you. Here’s some quick advice: first, start with going vegan, and start to make the same veggie casserole every night for dinner. After that you make vegan friends, at vegan stores, and talk about vegan foods, while eating those vegan foods. Then try going to brunch with your new vegan friends. When taking group pictures you have to say, “let’s do a silly one!”, you redo high fives when the first one wasn’t good enough, and start to go on wine tours every Friday evening. And if that doesn’t work, sorry to break it to you, but you really are as dull as a dishwasher.


Aquarius (Jan 20- Feb 18)

You are the partier of the century; your life motto is “go big or go home.” And that’s exactly what you do, no one is surprised when you wake up and don’t remember where or who you are. But your favorite cereal in the morning is Rice Krispies because it’s the only person in the morning that’ll actually talk to you without screaming.


Pisces (Feb 19-Mar 20)

You hate the idea of throwing away your Christmas tree, so chances are, summer will come quicker than an ostrich, and your Christmas tree will still be up, probably almost naked because all the pine needles are just sitting on the floor like me when I get home from school. Anyways, moral of the story stop being a weenie, face your fear of drill sergeants, and find unconditional love.