Why Donald Trump is Just the Freaking Best

Joey Huckaby, Marketing Editor

Dear President Trump,

We would just like to spend a moment and thank you for delivering a piece of our Congressman’s head to every one of our constituents. Having Congressman Cory Gardner’s and Senator Michael Bennet’s ears mounted on my wall makes me think about how The New Trump Republic is the fairest country that has ever ruled this earth. During the weekly house checks, my neighbors tell me how all the white male military officers compliment them on having Nancy Pelosi’s head hung over their fireplace. Most importantly thank you for making Rex Tillerson into oil!
Thank you for making the National Drug of this country meth; the national animal, pig; and the new national word, Trump.
I love walking through the store and seeing only a portion of the food I would have gotten a few years ago. I have lost so much weight I can see my ribs and finally I can see my feet. Oh, it’s a joy being able to see them; even though my hands and feet aren’t as big as yours, I’m happy.
Sept. 11, 2001 was a terrible day, but you make that day seem like it never happened. Now all Americans can see it was really Hillary Clinton who brought them down. Man, Hillary is a terrible lady; all the things she did and said to you were terrible. How dare she call out your best friend: Vladimir Putin!
Every night before the curfew takes place, I show the kids the national videos of Hillary Clinton being waterboarded. Our kids thank you for the free “Kill Hillary” action figure you provided to all classrooms in America. They also really enjoy the private schools and learning about how their best chance at making it in the world is enrolling in Trump University. They just can’t get enough of the gold-flaked hair that they and everyone have to rub once a day.
The fact that you find tweeting more important than defeating the Koreans, makes me see your American first policy. My kids can’t even find Korea on the map- now that is keeping our kids safe!
Lastly my divine leader, driving in Denver and seeing the concentration camps full of captured illegal immigrants really shows the love you have for this country. Driving on the roads that scream, of corruption while I breathe in the delicious tasting smog of my diesel truck, listening to I’m Proud to Be an American, I always think, can it get any better than this?
So thank you, our king, President, and divine leader, Mr. Donald Trump
Joey Huckaby