Elway Triumphantly Limps Out of Retirement


courtesy of sportressofblogitude.com

Elway gives a reassuring thumbs up to crowds of his adoring fans after announcing his plans to return as the Broncos’ quarterback.

Brendan Jordan , Sports Editor

It was obvious that after winning five of their 16 games last season that the Denver Broncos needed to go out and make a big change.

General Manager and VP of Football Operations of the Broncos, John Elway, took the ball into his own hands… quite literally.

In a dark and silent conference room somewhere downtown, illuminated by only a desk lamp, Elway expressed his intentions to come out of retirement and serve as the full time quarterback for the Broncos starting the 2018-19 season. The 57-year old former Super Bowl Champion was quite content in his decision, saying that he would sign himself to the longest contract length for the most amount of money possible.

“I’m John frickin’ Elway. I’m literally a folk hero here in Colorado. I do what I want,” stated Elway regarding his contract details. “It’s gonna be fun but challenging coming back and hopefully not throwing out my back.”

Many fans are in shock as a result of the decision, some angry, some happy. “This is honestly the worst possible solution to the quarterback problem,” stated a tall bald man wearing a Peyton Manning jersey, cargo shorts, and Chocos with white socks tucked down to his ankles. “We could be going out and signing a big name guy, or trading for someone, or drafting someone. This literally makes no sense at all,” concluded this gentleman after taking a large chug of a Bud Light.

“I have no idea what this means. I just like wearing the jersey and drinking at the games,” stated an extremely loud woman tailgating in the parking lot of Mile High Stadium.

“Well, given the current state of the Broncos’ quarterback situation and the ever-competitive nature of the NFL, a veteran leader like Elway would be a much needed boost for the organization,” said my dad when I texted him about writing this story. “If we’re even thinking of competing for another championship, this move is a no brainer!”

I was lucky enough to get a statement from the owner of the Broncos, Pat Bowlen, and chairman, CEO, and president of the team Joe Ellis, both of whom were laying in the fetal position under their desks in their offices trying not to cry. “I have no idea what to do,” said Ellis. “For Christ’s sake, he is 57 years old. He is going to get hurt and the team is going to struggle. Aside from that, we have an opening in the general manager spot this no one wants to fill because Elway is the quarterback. This sucks.”

“I don’t care. I’m just here to make the big bucks,” said Bowlen while sitting in a limousine sippin’ on a glass of champagne.

Personally, I think that this move, while very bold, will probably spark the Broncos to start producing. Last year’s season was just plain upsetting, and changes needed to be made. I’m glad that Elway stepped up and took matters into his own hands (unlike Joe Sakic with the Avalanche). Maybe having a legend like Elway behind the offensive line will encourage them to actually play their positions and not be the cause of Elway’s death…who knows?