Freshmen on Trading Block

Fire Noonan, Rookie Reporter

In the 2017 to 2018 school year, there are currently about 1,200 students enrolled at Wheat Ridge High School; almost 400 of these students are freshmen.

In regards to the sport field, the class of 2021 will be traded through a state competition. Schools across Colorado are trading their freshmen as fast as they can, taking it very seriously and as a sport.

However, this year’s group of Farmer freshmen are significantly worse than previous years, according to upperclassmen that currently attend Wheat Ridge High School. Maybe it’s because they still somehow don’t know the simple basics of how to be a successful high schooler, like which side of the hallway to walk on, or still not knowing how to pick up their trash. Or even it’s because they travel in packs, filling the hallways up with their somehow annoying voices.
Freshmen also don’t know how to refrain themselves from drawing inappropriate images of genitalia on the walls of the library. Why do their voices sound so ear-splinting? Why do they somehow manage to get on everyone’s nerves?

In order to deal with the new crisis, the staff of Wheat Ridge have decided to attempt trade the freshman class to another school. Since the start of the second semester, WRHS has contacted other schools regarding the availability of their freshmen students, including, Jefferson High School, Arvada West High School and even Lakewood High School (who happens to have freshmen as a surplus on their trade block). However, each school has also denied our request. Even after attempting to bribe the Denver Public Schools system into forcing a high school to trade with them, WRHS’ offer was still rejected.
Currently, Wheat Ridge is mainly negotiating a deal with Golden High School to swap the classes of 2021. It is rumored by an inside high school trade analyst (who prefers to remain anonymous in the risk of losing his/her imaginary job) that the Farm is adding in some veteran talent such as senior Drew Seidel and “future considerations” to the deal to help Golden feel more comfortable accepting it. In an interview with Seidel, he addressed his feelings about possibly being included in a trade after spending his entire high school career here at Wheat Ridge.

“It’s a tough pill to swallow,” said Seidel, “I’ve put a lot of work into this school and I’ve really felt like this place is home for me. But trades are just a part of the business, and if the time for a change of scenery in my career is now, then I’d be willing to do whatever I need to do to help out both organizations.”

After receiving the news, students and even some teachers rejoiced with bliss. Maybe the pupils of Wheat Ridge High School will finally have a school day full of content and jubilant feelings, free of the bothersome freshmen that they know and dislike.

In the meantime, while Wheat Ridge’s trade deal with GHS hasn’t been officially confirmed, WRHS will still be listening to trade calls and looking to get the best deal possible. If all else fails, Wheat Ridge insiders have reported that they will just put the freshmen students on Craigslist and see how it goes.