Joey’s Haranguing Tirade

Joey Huckaby, Staff Writer

At some point in your high school career, you will have to read the book 1984.

To sum up, in 1984, the government watches you all the time. I have evidence that 1984 is coming true! I always like to print anything I find interesting, and I have always gotten away with this for free. Yet, last week I had a scary thing happen to me. The campus security guards pulled me out of class and took me into the main conference room.

In that scary room, I was introduced to a committee that was about to deliver the terrible news. The district leader informed me that I was I was the number one printer in all of Jeffco!

They then pulled out the district manual. Does anyone even remember reading these? Well, I guess I should have read all the boring fine print. In a small corner of the book, there was a clause. “For every student who prints over 100 pages in a year each extra page would add one hour to the students high school career.” I printed 7,100 pages in a year, that’s 7,000 extra hours at school, which is 1,000 extra day, or five and a half years having to deal with Farmer Time and the ugly smell of the hallways.

Don’t get me wrong, I will be excited to be a super super super super super (5x) senior. Maybe the school will give me my own parking spot? Yet all this news is really haunting me and last night I had a dream that I was Buddy the Elf sitting in the classroom desk unable to put my legs under the desk. It’s just paper why does it have to be a prison sentence?

Once news got out about my sentence, people were shocked to see me printing more in the school library. Teachers would come up and say, “Dude, those capstone papers just added three more school days to your sentence.” Then, the administration would yell at me saying they had to order another truck of paper because of me. Some people would say that I am ruining my life, but the joke’s on them. I, Joseph Huckaby, is the majority share owner in the HammerMill paper company. So, I guess I should say thank you to the school. Thank you for my new house, new mustang, and free education for the next decade.