Freshmen: The Freshest People Around

Leo Humphrey, Rookie Reporter

Studies on the freshmen population in Wheat Ridge High School have been living among them.

They are known for being the best people in Wheat Ridge High school doing such heroic deeds such as making the bathrooms smell like mango and mint. They also wear pants made for eight year olds to conserve fabric for the children in Africa. Freshmen are also very social people and often hold very important meetings in the middle of the halls to discuss diplomacy in the school district. They rarely go to class which helps upperclassmen have more ease to focus in the classroom.

There is that small, group origin eight percent that care about their futures and take school seriously and wish to have bright times ahead in their life. What a bunch of ninny hammers.

The extra cool freshmen often enlighten their peers by posting their entire life on Snapchat. The average freshman inhales about 2 liters of water vapor a day. When a fellow freshman is suffering from withdrawal from the JUUL, the freshmen will often let the runt of the group die. JUUL pods, as a striking members of the public you should know, only grow on a special type of tree that only grows in peru called Juulius Maximus. It is rarer than gold and more useful than oil.

The freshmen are the most stylish species of high schooler and love to flex their Airpods, that they are born with, and use them to protect themselves from the hate speech.

freshmen, as the alpha classmen, have many responsibilities such as:

  1. Clogging the hallways to help others slow down and socialize.
  2. Clogging the toilets and peeing on the floor, stop doing this it’s genuinely disgusting.
  3. Clogging the toilets with food and JUUL pods, to conserve water.
  4. Clogging the sinks to give the janitor something to do in slow long days.


They are truly a blessing to the world and our bathrooms with their presence. We can only hope they will stay to enlighten us further. Until the end of the year where they will blossom into sophomores that are only visions of what they once were. We all pray that some will remain the former lords of the land but alas they are matured into us normal joes.