Institution Opens Its Doors for Wheat Ridge Senior


Coleman Erickson

Thiccy Strunk dragged off to the Center

Matt Dragani, Co-Editor in Chief

As the year begins to wind down, many seniors are still scrambling to figure out their plans for next year.

Some may start a new job, some may head off to college, more still may join up with or otherwise be abducted and conscripted by the various biker factions vying for control of the region’s leather pants production. But our very own Wheat Ridge High School senior Nick Strunk has been accepted into one of the most esteemed and illustrious mental institutions in the country: Disturbed Acres Home for the Criminally Inane.

“Since the time I’ve been a little, mildly deranged kid, attending Disturbed Acres has been my lifelong dream. The first time I soaked a rubber chicken in kerosene, lit it on fire, and threw it into my neighbor’s shed, I never would have imagined I could grow up maniacally inane enough to be admitted there,” said Streak, clearly beaming with pride behind his Mickey-Mouse-eared, Hannibal-Lecter-esque muzzle, as the guards carted him away and struggled to force him back into the straps of his hospital bed.

“I applied to a lot of local facilities, mostly the cheaper community places, so to have an opportunity to attend such an advanced operation, with some of the most advanced electro-shock therapies and some of the least FDA-approved psychiatric medications. Plus, I also heard the bathrooms have those little shell soaps, like at the nice hotels. So, you know, that’s f***ing tight.”

“We really are quite proud of our little nutcase. When he first started acting a little unhinged, we were understandably worried, but after seeing what he did to that freaking rubber chicken, we just left that deranged little dingus alone. We knew he had reached promising new heights of inanity, but we never would have figured it take him this far (down the rabbit hole),” said Stroonk’s mom.

“And he has some sick fascination with the seashell soaps that you can order off Amazon. I don’t really know what that’s all about, but it really does bother me,” added brother Canon.

All in all, it’s safe to say that the entire Wheat Ridge community is immensely proud for Neckass, giving this region a name for itself, besides top-notch meth production, and we all send Nick off to the funny farm wishing him the best of luck!